twothirds

(content import from ~2002–if this hits your feedreader)

I hit the weight room today for the first time in over two years. I hate the weight room! It is just not a friendly home for the insecure endurance athlete.

My first dislike about the gym is the dress code. I figured a loose fitting Pearl Izumi polyester shirt and some DeSoto Tuesday Run Shorts will keep me comfortable and fashionable. If I went to a track workout I would be styling, right? After all, I am a single male and I need to check my image before I go somewhere.

As I entered the gym and took a look around, I quickly realized how out of touch I was. At least half of the guys were wearing cotton sweats and a beanie/ski hat thingy. The beanie just makes no sense. While working out the head is usually the first thing to overheat. Why would you want to make it warmer?

The few people wearing shorts had cut off sweats or basketball shorts that rested about an inch above their knees. The only other person with shorts shorter than my running shorts was the 52 year old guy wearing clothes that were fashionable in the 80’s. Has multisport made me that uncouth? I used to wear long shorts and cotton, I think? Was I cooler before I met triathlon?

Anyway, enough with the fashion lesson.

So I need to go to the weight room because the average 11 year old boy has stronger hips then I do. Weak hips mean a muscle imbalance which led to my current knee issues. To regain balance throughout my leg, I have to do what I call “chick exercises.”

Chick exercise you ask? Let me run down a list of some of the things I need to do.

There is the “side-laying hip aBduction” for the outside of the thigh, the “side-laying hip aDduction” for the inside of the thigh, the “bridging with straight leg raise” for the trunk and many other funny named activities which will add to my hip, groin, butt and trunk strength.

I have seen many people do these in the stretching room of a gym on a mat. The problem is that I have never seen any “man” do them!

I used to do these exercises in my living room, but the roommates caught me one day, and the verbal assault was painful. Since then, I have moved to the privacy of my bedroom behind a locked door where no one can make fun of me, or take shots at my manhood.

The home based workout is not bad, but things get really bad when I have to hit the weight room to make my hip, groin, butt and trunk strong. Unfortunately my doctor has prescribed the “V Machines” as part of my routine.

The “V Machines” are the two leg machines that usually sit idle. When they do see action, the typical profile of the user is female aged 16-35 trying to keep the thunder away from the thighs.

I have no idea what the technical name for these machines are, but I call them the “V machines” because you sit down and make a “V” with your legs by spreading your legs to work your hips or squeezing your legs to work the groin.

I really think they need to invent a multisport gym. This gym would feature people that lift low weight at high reps and do weird exercises like the “hip prone extension.” This, however, is just a dream. The reality is that a gym is filled with the 16-35 year old male trying to bench press twice his body weight so he can “get big.”

I was not looking forward to doing the “V Machines”, but it had to be done. To my embarrassment, the day I begin operation “get hips strong with ‘V Machines’”, the gym decides to hold a team bench pressing competition. So much for a quiet day at the gym!

So I did my “V Machines” and a few other classics such as calf raises and the leg press. I know I got weird looks because of the machine I touched, the muscles I worked out, and the clothes I wore. But hey, you know what? I really don’t care. I rather have the ability to swim for five, bike for eight and run for two hours* than bench press my weight while trying to look good.

By the way. Anyone know exactly what a team bench press competition is? I thought weight lifting was an individual endeavor.

*OK, so that is a bit of a fib. I actually don’t even know if I can run for two hours. That I why I am in the weight room!